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From my bed on the mezzanine, I saw Mick enter. I just had to push a curtain aside to have a full view on the workshop below. He had always hated our living arrangement. Not like him to live in an artist’s studio, and his fine Italian suit said why.
He fell on an old couch, not minding the eventuality of paint having been dropped upon it. I saw more than heard the heavy sigh escape from his mouth. He was in pain, as I was.
Looking up, he saw the huge canvas I had been working on all day. He smiled. Any darkness is followed by sunlight, sooner or later. Art is my sunlight. It comforted me that it comforted Mick at this moment.
There was no telling if he would join me upstairs or not. Nothing would ever be the same. The whirlwind had thrown everything to the ground; there had been no time to pick up the remains of our lives, let alone to decide what would be done with them.
I thought I had called too faintly, but he heard. His eyes located me at once, behind the curtain, on the bed in the mezzanine.
He smiled again.
“And who is up there, pray tell me?” Mick said, and his voice sounded so tired.
It took me a while to understand that he was not playing a game. He was only acknowledging the truth of the situation. Did we really know each other that well, as we should have?
It had been Jamie who had brought us together. Jamie, the cement of our union. And now, Jamie was gone.
I decided to ignore his question. There would be ample time for this kind of discussion, later on.
“Jamie called from the Vancouver airport.” I said. “He says hi. He will call back when he is all settled. His classes begin tomorrow, he will be short on time for a while.”
Mick’s smile died slowly as he looked around him. At life after Jamie.
“He did say he loved you” I added, unconvincingly straining to make him feel somewhat better.
“He will never come back, you know” Mick said, almost matter-of-factly.
Silence ensued. It hurt me, what Mick had said. That my high-school sweetheart, the man I had seen grow from a boy, the sunshine in my heart, would never be back, not really, that nothing would ever be as before. I had not wanted to hear that.
Mick was now slowly walking up the iron staircase to “my room”, a place where I retreated whenever I needed to be totally alone.
This place up here had been open to Mick and Jamie “on open invitation only” and they had never dared to go against the rule – even if it had never been such a serious one in the first place. I had rarely come here to sleep anyway. I had much preferred to sleep with them in the much larger bedroom in the basement.
The simple fact that Mick climbed up those stairs, that night, stressed even more the change in our lives. I got under the impression that he was provoking me. Trying to force me to move on.
After all, it had been almost forty-eight hours since Jamie had left, since Mick and I had started to live as strangers, each in a different part of the building.
Once up there with me, he threw his vest on a chair, and proceeded to undress.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked nervously.
“I am getting naked. What does it look like?”
Because of our recent loss, I said nothing.
One thing about Mick, he loves sex. He does it well. And, being older, he has much experience in the matter. He always seems to canlı bahis şirketleri know what it takes to bring you over the edge, and he often laughs triumphantly as he brings you there. And then, he savours his own pleasure in moans and groans and screams of joy. When he comes, he comes loud. He is not repressed, and he does not tire easily.
And… he is simply gorgeous. And I realized it once more as he was crawling towards me on the bed, strong, lovely beast.
Jamie had been sweet. A beautiful thin, pale, delicate, tender lover. I had loved to spend hours in bed with him on weekend mornings.
With Mick, it was different. Exhausting fucking, followed by very deep sleep. And/or fights. Verbal sparring that could last for hours, that no one ever could win.
“I miss him too, you know…” Mick said sadly.
“Why do you tell me that?”
“Two whole days you’ve been up here. Have you even gone outside?”
I chose not to respond. Indeed, I had not left the studio.
Mick slipped an arm over me, with the obvious intention to cover me with his body… I winced, and moved just so he would understand that I would not let him do it. I still wonder why I was acting that way.
“Ok” he said, raising an eyebrow. “This brings me to the question of the day…”
“Do you want me to move out?”
A bit irked at not being allowed what I considered a proper mourning period, I nevertheless tried to overcome the situation. I caressed him lightly, but very intently working my way to his crotch. And he was already hard as rock.
He grabbed my hand, his face taut and very serious.
“You have not answered ” he said.
I freed my hand, and without hesitation grabbed his cock again, this time squeezing him hard. I did not know what I wanted anymore, long term. Short term, I wanted him.
But truly, I had no idea what I wanted. I wanted Jamie back.
He closed his eyes, a deep sigh escaped through his lips.
“Jenn… I think I deserve an answer.”
“Give me a break, Mick. I had been with Jamie long before you moved in. I am heartbroken, here…”
“…and, now stuck with me. I see. Have you considered the fact that I have loved him as well?”
He rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting there, away from my reach. With a very devious smile, he stared at me as he started to stroke himself.
“Better start mourning about this as well” he said coyly.
I moaned and bit my lips. What a lovely sight, to see this gorgeous man caressing his own sex, his strong body twitching and swaying with pleasure. Both hands now, caressing the balls, gently cupping them, and pulling relentlessly on the hard cock.
Life going on, still.
I reached for him, but he got away, standing away from the bed, still touching.
“What am I to you, sweet Jenn?” he breathed softly.
“What do you mean?”
He sneered, sat on my armchair after throwing his clothes on the floor, and he went on loving himself. He was driving me crazy. I would have joined in the masturbation game, but it was his sex I craved. His sex, and his powerful, frenetic embrace.
“Do you remember, Jenn, the night we met?”
How could I not?
I had been with Jamie for over two years then, thinking it had the uncertainty of our student life that had been making him so unsatisfied all the time.
Oh, he had loved me. He had loved canlı kaçak iddaa me naughty. But he had always been longing for something else. I gave him everything, everything was not enough. After a while, we had to face the fact that he was bisexual, that I had to let him roam outside of our couple.
That had been devastating to me. We even broke up for a while. I was, by nature, “faithful”. To see my beloved, my lovely Jamie go out with those men I did not know had filled me with angst and sadness.
And then, on the night of my very first painting exhibition, Jamie had introduced me to Mick, one of his graduate teachers. Two things had hit me at that very moment. First, that Jamie had fallen in love. Second, that I was about to myself.
I had just inherited the weird little building, not yet fixed, dirty, but the cheapest lodging we could ever have found. Our bed, then, was the model’s podium in the center of the main floor. There, we took Mick; there, we made love for the first time, the three of us.
“I remember a very daring girl, who could hardly hide her fear of me, the Big Adult. I feel like you have never overcome that fear” Mick said, in a dreamy voice.
“You think that I am afraid of you, then?” I was getting somewhat angry at him, with his questions…
“Yes, I do. Because I am still here. Because I may leave as well. And, right now, because I am here, and Jamie is not.”
“I am not afraid of you!”
“Then answer: what am I to you?”
True, my relationship with Mick had never been easy. Jamie adored being guided, advised, helped out. I did not. Any time Mick would try to be this way with me, I would rebel almost violently, as if my sacrosanct independence had been under attack.
Only in bed could we relate somewhat, although we could all feel that Jamie was much closer to both of us than Mick and I were to each other. The sex part worked great, fuelled, as it seemed, by the very animosity always lingering somewhere between us.
Mick always took me ferociously, proud as a wild conqueror, powerful, exacting, almost angry at times. He ordered me into many positions, some of which further nourished his desire. He favoured those that would keep me pinned underneath him, and allowed him to pound me viciously while I was held in totally paralysed submission.
All of which often alarmed Jamie. We were both tender lovers to him… but together, Mick and I became beasts.
Strangely enough, we never did anything alone together, Mick and me, as if we needed Jamie to be there. No night out, no movie night, no weekends in the countryside. Outside the bed, we could have been perceived as only roommates.
“You are my lover, Mick.”
“Your lover. Really. Your lover still?”
“Yes, and I would be proving you right now if you weren’t playing these games!”
I had sat up on the bed in excitement as he had left my side, but now I let myself fall against the pillows, turning my back on him. I could hear him chuckling. How could he not understand that I was in no frame of mind for that…
“Sweet, lovely Jenn… Your very refuge in the air, invaded by the big bad man…”
“Go away. Go jerk off somewhere else, you bastard.”
I felt the mattress move as he knelt and move onto it, I could hear the smile in his voice.
“What a way to talk to your lover, sweet Jenn…”
All this time I had succeeded canlı kaçak bahis not to cry. Now, I was weeping. And that rejoiced Mick. Hated him. Love him. Hated him. Loved him.
“Love hurts, sweet Jenn, life hurts too. But life prevails. It must.”
He forced me on my back, and to face him, to look up at him.
“He was my sunshine too. He was my love. Don’t you think I hurt as well?” he went on, tears in his eyes now.
“As long as you have someone to fuck, you will do all right. Don’t touch me.”
“Oh I will touch you, sweet Jenn. I will.”
He brought himself to lie on top of me. Implacably weighing down on me. Kissing my face, holding me tightly. I did not even have the force to resist.
“Come back to me, sweet girl…” he whispered.
“I hate you.”
“I know you do. I love you too. Take it all on me. It’s ok.”
“He will be back you know” I cried out, desperate now. “For holidays. For vacations. Not often, but he will. He loves us. He will have enough money now, with the scholarship.”
Mick did not answer. He just went on rubbing himself against me. Begging his way in…. Wait. He had never used to ask before, he usually took…
Just a swift return to his old self as he pushed my knees open and quickly entered me with a deep groan. I shivered with pleasure. However I might oppose him, he always won.
“You have no right to take his place, you know” I cried while I held him tight.
“I don’t intend to, ever. I just want to know where my own place is, and then I intend to claim it.”
I shrugged, and Mick stared at me, real hurt in his eyes.
“You don’t care, do you?…” he whispered.
“Why don’t you just shut up?”
I had screamed that. That lashed Mick back to life. With great thrusts of his hips, he took me. Deep, deep, hard. I cried out and wept as he possessed me, claimed me as his own. Nothing would ever be the same again.
“Jenn… ” Mick was crying as he took me… “You have to face the truth.”
“Don’t you say it…”
“Jenn… Jamie is no more. Jamie is gone. Jamie is dead…”
It took me a while to realize that I was sobbing. Loud. Howling. As Mick was claiming my right to life inside of me, I wanted to die.
“We are alive, Jenn… We have the right to be. Let me stay with you. Let me love you at last. I love you, Jenn. There is a reason why he brought us together, you and me. Let me stay. Let me love you…”
There had been the phone call… the nice voice of the nurse telling me the terrifying news. A stupid accident. A car had not stopped quite soon enough at a red light. Jamie had banged his head on the pavement, but everything was looking normal…
The horrible feeling had not left me on my way to the hospital. Everything was not normal. Something would go terribly wrong.
And when I had reached the hospital, it had been too late. Jamie’s condition had deteriorated. He had died, minutes before I got to his bedside. I had not been able to even say goodbye.
“Jamie has not called from the airport”, Mick cried, “he never made it there, you know it. Stop pretending… God…”
I hit it with both fists… screaming at him.
“You bastard… you don’t have the right to do that…”
“I have to, Jenn… I cannot lose you as well… I can’t lose you now…”
By the time we climaxed together, Mick and I, we were both sobbing, our tears blending on our skins.
From that day, the bed on the mezzanine became our bed. To this day, we are still together, Mick and I. We never fight anymore. But we do fuck a lot.
Still, I often catch myself, expecting a phone call from Vancouver.
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