The Holy Blumpkin

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This story contains scat. You have been warned!

I was hanging around the local parish church, waiting for the vicar Reverend Tim to finish chatting to the departing congregation. I was impatient, to put it mildly and I expect he felt the same. He was my whole reason for my now regular attendance at the Sunday morning eucharist, though I confess I found the whole service and singing of hymns oddly enjoyable, despite never being that religious. I’d received a bit of teasing from friends and family.

“You’ll be hosting Songs of Praise next,” Gemma my younger sister had joked. “If you decide to move to a convent and become a nun, can I have your bedroom?”

Good old Gem, as subtle as Jim Davidson attending a diversity awareness course. So yeah, I’m twenty and I still live at home with my parents. Uni wasn’t for me and I can’t afford to move out. There’s a cost of living crisis, and I’m still looking for a full-time job. But I’m hoping to move out soon. I’m sure the good Lord will deliver…I’m praying that Reverend Tim will ask me to move in with him. He’s ten years older than me, blonde and blue-eyed. He wears trendy rimless glasses.

St Paul’s was built in the mid-Victorian period. A grand and beautiful church, and until recently, it was sadly lacking in visitors. That was starting to change now that Reverend Tim had taken over, though I was still the only member of the congregation who wasn’t drawing a pension.

I bit my lip as I saw him approach. I’d been really horny through the service, especially during the sermon, where he talked about how hard it was to be a Christian these days. I wondered if he was getting hard.

He smiled at me and winked. “Be with you in a moment, Ellie. Just let me jettison these liturgical vestments,” he said.

Shortly after, he returned from the yalova escort vestry and I virtually pounced on him like a leopard ambushing a gazelle. “I’ve been thinking about you all week,” I murmured, kissing him. “I can’t wait any longer…”

“Mmm, neither can I, but not here Ellie. Mrs Kellett will be coming in to do the flower arranging!”

I chuckled. “What do you think she’d do if she were to see us like this?”

“She’s eighty-two and one of the biggest gossips I’ve ever encountered. She’s a human incarnation of Twitter. If she were to see us, trust me, the entire universe would soon know!”

“Old bag,” I muttered. “Sorry, that was un-Christian. Where can we go to be alone then? The pulpit?” My hand brushed his crotch. He was rock hard.

“My study…but first, I need to visit the gents.”

“Good idea. Mrs Kellett won’t go in there!”

“No uh, I really need to poo,” Reverend Tim said, with some embarrassment. “My stomach has been a bit unsettled. I blame it on that takeaway curry I ordered last night. Typical. If it’s Deliveroo – it makes me…uh, need the loo.”

“That’s ok. I’m unfazed by shitting.” I smiled, following him through the small side door of the church, which led to the toilets. They were traditional Victorian toilets, with the high cisterns and hanging pull chains. In fact, I remembered reading about them in the church magazine. Some people wanted them replaced, as in this age of eco-consciousness, they used too much water.

“Um, Ellie, I don’t think this will be pleasant,” he mumbled as I followed him into a cubicle. He was too polite to ask me to wait outside and any normal person would, but I was weirdly aroused by the thought of my sexy vicar needing to take a dump.

Suddenly, an abdominal cramp hit him and he winced, almost stumbling.

“Are you yalova escort bayan alright?” I asked, kissing him.

“Uh yes. I’m fine.”

But he clearly wasn’t, and his bowel kept protesting. A loud fart followed. It needed to come out. I suspected a lot more needed to come out too.

“Let me help you,” I said, unfastening his belt and trousers. Reverend Tim pulled them and his underpants down and settled gratefully onto the toilet seat. I noticed there was a large, wet skid mark on his white underpants.

He relaxed his hole, expecting a sudden rush of shit, but nothing came out. “Damn, I can’t go,” he said.

“Maybe this will help you?” I said, kneeling between his legs and wrapping my hands round his erect cock. “Just relax, Reverend. Maybe you could say a prayer?”

His cock truly was divine and I loved sucking it. People worship in many different ways, but this was how I liked to worship.

“Ahh,” Reverend Tim sighed, as I sucked his cock. “That feels good. Oh Ellie…” Hearing him say my name spurred me on further.

Suddenly, his rectum erupted. Many farts and a colossal load of hot diarrhoea shot out of him and into the porcelain bowl. He grimaced at the smell.

“Oh God!” Reverend Tim groaned. His anus burned like hell.

The sound of his diarrhoea entering the toilet was extremely loud. He lowered his face, mortified, but I was enjoying every moment.

“Better out than in,” I said, in between sucking his shaft. Jesus, what a smell! It was worse than those bus station toilets I once cleaned during a summer job a few years ago.

Reverend Tim continued plopping and spraying into the toilet bowl for several minutes. Someone walked into the toilets and pissed heavily at a urinal. He hoped it wasn’t the curate, and burned with shame, unable to stop his copious escort yalova flow of diarrhoea. Whoever it was at the urinal, he heard and smelt everything. The mystery man finished and left without washing his hands.

If ever there was an appropriate time to say “Holy Shit” it was now.

More loud farts and heavy plops followed.

Reverend Tim groaned. “I’m never ordering a takeaway curry ever again. He’d been seconds away from shitting his pants. If that had happened during the church service…well that didn’t bear thinking about.

“I think you should order one more often, Reverend, I said. “I never knew a man could shit so much. That was amazing.”

He relaxed as his embarrassment and cramps gave way to intense pleasure. He put his hand on the back of my head as I licked and sucked his cock, whilst he continued shitting.

“Ahh! Ellie!” He came and filled my mouth with his delicious seed. “Oh my God.” He was panting and sweating.

“Do you feel better now, Reverend?”

“Much better,” he replied. “That was…amazing. I can honestly say that I never expected to experience a blowjob whilst taking a shit. And for it to feel so good.”

“Congratulations on your first-ever blumpkin,” I smiled. “Praise the Lord.”

He blinked. “A blumpkin?”

My sexy vicar had led a bit of a sheltered life, it seemed. “Google it.”

With his bowel finally empty, Reverend Tim went through a lot of toilet roll, cleaning himself up. I gently massaged his abdomen in a circular motion, and we finished with a passionate kiss. I looked down at all the diarrhoea he had deposited in the toilet. He had almost completely filled up the bowl with his shit; it was unbelievable how much of it there was.

Reverend Tim pulled up his stained underpants and trousers.

“I hope it will flush,” he said, pulling the chain. “There’s enough there to block it.”

Luckily, his massive steamy load was sent on its way, although the bowl was left heavily soiled.

“Old Victorian toilets really are the best!” I remarked.

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