Shibari

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“I know you’re hurting, but why did you have to turn into such a bastard!”

I pressed a hand to my stinging cheek. Ever since I’d broken my arm, my girlfriend had been sympathetic and helpful bordering on smothering. She really didn’t deserve my bad attitude, but I couldn’t help it. I suddenly felt like the whole world had turned against me and the only way I could cope was by withdrawing into a protective shell.

“Oh? So you’re going to deny sleeping with my best friend behind my back?” I asked in a tone that conveyed absolute certainty in my belief, despite the fact that I had no reason at all to believe such a thing.

“I have never and I will never cheat!” She roared indignantly.

“Don’t give me that! He told me all about it!”

She slapped me again. “He did not because it never happened! But you know what? If you were going out with a girl who would cheat and she did it with him, I wouldn’t be at all surprised! You call him your best friend, but I don’t think you’ve EVER let anyone into your heart enough to be called a friend much less a BEST FRIEND!”

Hmm… she might have a point. I considered my best friend my best friend simply because he was my neighbor, we’re the same age, and we’ve basically hung out ever since we were little kids. And for that same reason, he might actually be the only person I even call a friend, but even I have to wonder sometimes why we hang out at all. We were basically opposites and had nothing in common.

But since I knew my accusation wasn’t true, I supposed that I just had to ride the burning flames of deceit all the way to the bitter end. I glared at her as if she had just murdered my favorite dog.

“Trying to turn this around on me as if this is somehow my fault just proves that it’s true,” I pointed out with a soft growl. “Dimitri is the sort of guy who can have five or six different girls in one night and still manage to keep them all happy and they never suspect for a moment that he’s playing them all. Do you even KNOW how many times I’ve gone over to his house to hang out only to walk in on him in bed with some girl? So, when I found YOUR underwear in his room, I asked him how long he’d been screwing you, and he told me all about it!”

She looked utterly shocked. “Those can’t have been mine! You only think they were because I wear plain white panties! But they’re the same sort of underwear that EVERY girl wears at least a couple of times a month! I am NOT a cheater! I thought you knew me well enough to know that!”

“Listen Amanda, who would you believe? Your best friend that you’ve known for your whole life, or someone you’ve only known for about three years?”

She had moved from sheer fury to silent tears by this point. “So you’re going to break up with me with no proof simply because you’ve known him longer?”

I felt like that was a trap. I could practically see her mind scrambling to figure out how she could prove the accusation wrong and fix this mess. I had absolutely no desire to drag this out any longer than necessary.

“Oh no, not at all. Who said anything about breaking up? If you just come clean with me and tell me honestly what happened, I’ll forgive you. Didn’t I already tell you? Dimitri has at least five or six girls a night; he’s slept with my girlfriends in the past and I’ve even had his sloppy seconds when I was in the mood.”

This took her aback so much that she literally took a step back. “But… you said I was your first girlfriend… your first kiss — your first EVERYTHING!”

This was actually true. She had been my first everything, and the three years that we’d been going out now felt like a wonderfully perfect dream. So wonderful that it was now suffocating me.

“I lied,” I lied with a careless shrug. “You really think I haven’t had others? Come on! Every girl wants me!”

This successfully reignited her rage. She slapped me for a third time before punching the cast on my right arm before shoving me so hard that I hit my head on the edge of her bed as I fell to the ground.

“FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS SHIT! YOU DON’T WANT TO BELIEVE ME? WELL FINE, FUCKING DO WHAT YOU WANT! BUT DON’T YOU DARE ACCUSE ME OF CHEATING JUST BECAUSE YOU TURNED INTO A BASTARD AT SOME POINT AND FUCKED AROUND BEHIND MY BACK!”

Having gotten exactly what I wanted, I immediately stopped pushing her. Instead, I simply got up and grabbed my bag, fully intending to leave without another word.

“DON’T YOU EVER COME BACK HERE, BENJAMIN, OR I SWEAR I’LL STAB YOU IN THE GUT WITH THE DULLEST PAIR OF SCISSORS I CAN FIND!”

She continued to rant even as I left. I know I had just hurt her worse than I ever wanted to, but it was better to get it over with now rather than months or even years from now when she finally realized that she couldn’t love me anymore. After all, I’m never going to be who I was supposed to be. I can no longer be the man I was planning to be, the one who loved her muğla escort and could make her happy.

From her house, I drove directly to Dimitri’s. He saw me enter his room and gestured for me to sit without saying a word. More than that, he kindly let me lay on his bed and brood in silence while he continued to play his game. Eventually, I felt like talking.

“I told Amanda that you confessed to helping her cheat on me.”

“WHAT?!?!” Dimitri burst out in extreme shock and confusion.

“Then I told her that I’ve been coming over here to cheat on her with your sloppy seconds.”

“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!” Dimitri roared, clearly still very much shocked and confused.

“Because I can’t be with her anymore. Better to let her think I’m a bad guy than a pathetic loser,” I admitted.

Dimitri rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Come on man, you only broke your arm!”

I sat up and glared at him. “You say that like this is a temporary condition that I’ll recover from and go back to normal!”

“That’s because it is!”

“It is not!” I roared, feeling for too close to tears for my comfort.

Even Dimitri looked surprised by my outburst, since this was probably the first time in my life I’d lost my temper or raised my voice, much less, well, I probably looked like a loser who was about to cry. I hadn’t been exaggerating when I said that we were opposites. Like my father, I was stoic and even tempered and always did the right thing. I never got upset about anything and my life had always been more or less perfect.

Dimitri — on the other hand — was always fairly emotional. If he was mad, he shouted until he felt better. If he was happy, he was like an overly excited little puppy. He didn’t have a dad, so I didn’t know if they were alike or not. For a while after his dad’s death — when we were still so little that I don’t remember his dad at all and would be surprised if he remembered much — his mom was a fairly attentive and loving mom. And she hadn’t changed except that she was now running a company and worked so much that she was almost never home. She slept in her office and only seemed to make it home in time for dinner on Sunday nights.

This left Dimitri with an enormous amount of freedom, and so, he actually did have a fair amount of girlfriends and one night stands, even though I had vastly overstated just how many.

Sighing from a feeling like I had just lost a battle, I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t think you understand. My whole life I’ve had two choices: Be a useless little rich kid who never did anything because I will inherit more money than God someday, or devote myself to something I’m interested in and eventually be recognized as a person of worth because of my OWN achievements.”

Dimitri rubbed his chin in thought. “Is that why you were always on the honor roll? I just thought you were naturally gifted with intelligence and didn’t have to work at it.”

I mildly glared at him again. “You still don’t get it. I AM naturally gifted with intelligence — just like my mom and dad. Being on the honor roll ISN’T something I had to work at. Hell! It wasn’t even something I had to be awake for! I simply had to breathe and I got the best grades in the school! That’s NOT any sort of worthy achievement, that’s just being a spoiled rich kid who doesn’t have to do anything because my parents are both geniuses and they passed that onto me — just like they both come from wealthy families and will pass that onto me as well.”

At this point, he unsurprisingly glared at me and grumbled: “Now it just sounds like you’re bragging and being a shit.”

I sighed. “I’m not trying to be. My point is that baseball was the one thing in my life that I had to struggle at. I had to work my ass off for every small improvement. I had to practice for hours every day just to get decent! And then I finally got good enough that I was scouted to be on a college team! And not just one! I’ve got probably a dozen offers! With no need to worry about tuition or a scholarship — although they’d all give me one if I accepted — I could pick the best college and be nearly guaranteed a spot in the major league sooner rather than later!”

“So stop shouting at me for no reason and go do that!” Dimitri roared at me in frustration.

“DON’T YOU GET IT?! I CAN’T!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “THE DOCTORS HAVE ALL SAID THAT THIS ISN’T A SIMPLE BREAK! IT HAPPENED RIGHT NEAR MY ELBOW, AND EVEN WITH SURGERY, I’M NEVER GOING TO HEAL UP GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY! THE BONES MIGHT EVENTUALLY BE GOOD AS NEW, BUT THE LIGAMENTS NEVER WILL!”

“Oh… man…” Dimitri murmured softly in profound sympathy.

I sighed and flopped back onto his bed so I could look up at the ceiling. “Now I have no choice but to be a spoiled little rich kid who’s so smart that I can easily get any college degree I want that will muğla escort bayan ultimately do me no good because I’m just going to have more money than I could ever want! I mean, why bother working? Say I get a degree as a doctor or a lawyer or something, it wouldn’t even be hard. Then what? I toil for a paycheck I don’t even need?”

At this point, I felt so pathetic that I covered my face with a pillow and focused on breathing until the stinging in my eyes went away.

Dimitri was quiet for a long moment, then he must have thought of something to say. “So… don’t. If you don’t need to work, then don’t work. Find something else that makes you happy. Make art. Start a YouTube Channel and make stupid videos that only five viewers watch. Buy a yacht and go sailing. Hell! You could turn into a party boy for a while — God knows you’re overdue for a bit of rebellion.”

I tossed the pillow aside and rolled my eyes at him. “Being a party boy would require me to actually party. Can you even imagine me drinking? And what? Doing drugs?”

“No, but that’s exactly what I mean,” he stated, pointing at me. “You’ve never done anything like that, and you’ve only ever had one girlfriend. So go to a party, get drunk, and pick up a random girl. Then keep doing that until you realize that you’re happier just being a useless little rich boy who never does anything.”

“Ugh!” The very though of it made me sick to my stomach. “If I’m just going to end up useless, I might as well just go for it! Pick some random girl to marry and have kids with and spoil them rotten until THEY become useless little rich kids who never have to do anything of value either.”

“Then wouldn’t blowing up your relationship with Amanda be a bad thing?” Dimitri asked in confusion.

I huffed derisively. “I can’t marry her.”

“Why not?” He questioned with a frown.

“Because she’s in love with the me that was working toward being a professional baseball player,” I replied sensibly.

“You think she’s so shallow as to abandon you now?”

“No… just that I can’t be that person, and eventually, it’ll be obvious that we built our relationship on me working towards my goals while she worked towards hers. We always supported each other, and we always will — or would if we stayed together. The problem is that she still CAN achieve her goals and I… can’t. If I asked her to marry me and have kids now, she’d do it. She’d abandon her dreams and settle down to a simple life with me.”

Dimitri snorted in amusement. “Oh no! Such horror! She’d have to suffer as the wife of a rich kid who never lacks for anything!”

“Besides, she wants to be an actress. If we got married, she’d have a much harder time getting into the roles she wants. It’s better for her if she just focuses on her life for a while. If we’re truly meant to be together, it’ll happen eventually.”

“There you go sounding like an old man again! I swear! You have always been like some old man! If a kid hit you, you’d shrug it off and say that he was probably having a bad day. If I cried because my mom had to work on my birthday, you’d remind me that work is important and that she’d make it up to me by giving me whatever I wanted. You can rationalize anything! Can’t you ever just be selfish for a minute and say that you want Amanda to marry you and have your kids and give your life meaning?”

I shrugged because I didn’t know what to say to that. Suddenly, a thought made me chuckle a bit wryly. “Amanda said that you and me, we’re not really friends because I never let anyone into my heart. For a moment, I thought it might be true.”

He shook his head and made a laugh that sounded a bit like heh. “It only seems that way because you almost never show emotion. I’m still seriously shocked that you’re acting like a normal person today!”

“Yeah, well don’t tell anybody,” I muttered, not really liking the fact that HE saw me at my worst. If anyone else found out, I’d probably die from the shame.

“Why would I do that? If I did, you’d just tell them about the time that I got so drunk I ended up puking all over my lap and underwear while I was sitting on the toilet and you had to help clean me up.”

“True,” I murmured even though I was lying. I’d never tell anybody about that because it wasn’t exactly a pleasant memory for me either.

Now that I felt slightly better, I decided to go home before my parents got worried about me and started calling and texting me. After all, they’d both been there when the doctors told me the news, so they probably thought I was out contemplating suicide or something. If I was totally honest with myself, I did give it about two minutes of consideration before deciding to break up with Amanda instead.

As I drove home from Dimitri’s, I could see my parents staring at my car through the window, so I knew they’d probably been trying to subtly keep an eye on escort muğla me ever since I showed up at Dimitri’s. It made me feel slightly better that they cared enough about me to be so obviously worried.

Once in our house, they clearly couldn’t decide if they should come over and smother me with affection — in their own rather stoic way — or leave me alone until I went to them for comfort. A maid announced that dinner was just about ready and I murmured that I wasn’t hungry.

Then I walked over to where my parents were still standing indecisively by the window. “I’ve decided that I’m not going to college.”

“O…kay…” They replied in a slow and concerned tone.

“Dimitri told me to basically find something else that’ll make me happy, and I don’t think it’ll be found by attending classes I don’t care about.”

“Makes sense,” my mother agreed in a soft and encouraging tone.

“So… what are you going to do?” My dad wondered.

I shrugged. “Make art or something. Keep trying new things until something makes me happy.”

“And then turn it into a business?” He asked, because he knew that I never needed to earn money, so for him, turning a hobby into a business — even if it was continually in the red — made far more sense than sitting around doing nothing at all.

I shrugged again. “I don’t know. Maybe. Probably.”

My mom smiled warmly. “In that case, Benjamin, why not take a few art classes. I don’t mean at college, just the local community education classes.”

“Maybe,” I murmured noncommittally.

“Just don’t push yourself. You have all the time in the world,” my dad advised me gently.

Nodding in agreement, I turned to go to my room.

“Why don’t you invite Amanda over for the weekend? We can dress up and go to her favorite restaurant for dinner,” mom suggested, still in her gentle and supportive voice.

“We broke up,” I stated flatly even as I kept walking toward my room.

“What?!” Mom called after me in alarm.

I could hear my dad murmur softly. “We should keep our noses out of it.”

“Yeah, but this is too sudden! First he graduates highschool with his future all planned out, then he breaks his arm during a practice game, and now he suddenly decides against college AND breaks up with his girlfriend?!”

“Well, even if you run after him, what can we really do?” My dad questioned.

“I don’t know, but something!” Mom practically hissed.

“Just give him some time to think things over. When he’s ready, then we can try to talk him into fixing things with Amanda and going to college after all.”

I stopped in my tracks halfway up the stairs. Then I turned and called out to them even though they were still in the sitting room and couldn’t see me. “What good would getting back with Amanda do if I went to college? We’d be on opposite sides of the country. She’s going to a prestigious acting school in California, and IF I went to college at this point, it’d be Harvard or Yale, so, we wouldn’t really be together anyway.”

My parents came out of the sitting room so that they could look at me. “True…”

“Besides, cheer up, I gave some serious thought to picking a different girl and getting married soon so that I can have kids. Isn’t the girl in the mansion two blocks over turning 25 and ready to get married? I could always ask her.”

They both gave me a mildly horrified look. I rolled my eyes at them.

“Don’t give me that look. The two of you always tell me that you met in college and didn’t actually love each other when you got married. You both just wanted to quit wasting time doing nothing in classes that were so easy they offered no challenge, and decided that having a kid would pacify both your families. If you can do it, then why can’t I?”

“That’s true, but we also told you many times that we genuinely fell in love before having you, and now that we know what love is like, imagining you having a marriage without that…” my mother trailed off with a faint shudder.

“Look,” my dad interjected. “Just don’t make any sort of decisions regarding marriage until your arm has healed and you’ve had some time to think things over a lot more.”

“That’s fair,” I agreed. As I turned to finish going up the stairs, I noticed that my mom looked like she wanted to cry.

I think I heard her faintly mutter: “I know I always wanted him to get married and give us grandchildren, but not like this…”

A glance over my shoulder showed my father holding and rubbing her back in stiffly stoic silence.

***

“What the hell is Shibari?” I asked as I checked out all of the ads on the community board in the Starbucks down the street from my house. I’d been coming in here every couple of days to see if anyone was advertising any sort of classes that sounded interesting.

A man next to me laughed softly. “Before I can answer that, how old are you?”

“18, why?” I asked suspiciously.

“Uh-huh, sure kid. If you’re actually 18, I’ll buy your coffee,” he said with a scoff.

I was mildly taken aback. “Don’t I look 18?”

“Nah, you look like you’re about 15 or 16.”

Strangely indignant, I pulled out my driver’s license and showed it to him.

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