Sex, Real Sex

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Sunday evening

“Honey, are you developing a paunch?”


“Where do you think?”

“No, it’s just the way I’m standing.”

“Oh yeah? So, tell me: when d’you last go to the gym?”

“Umm… Last week? No. Let me think… Last month? No… Last year? …maybe? All right, I’ll rejoin in the morning.”

“Good idea. Now, come to bed. Don’t put your jammies on; let’s fool around.”

“Really? Are you in the mood, despite my paunch?”

“Sure; aren’t you?”

“Almost always! You know that. Do you remember how we used to fuck when we were first married?”

“You know I don’t like that word.”

“What’s wrong with ‘married’?”


“But do you remember?”

“Oh, yes… That time in our first apartment? That was on a Sunday, too. We spent the whole day in bed… It was before the kids came along, of course.”

“Rumor has it there’s a connection.”

“You were such a stud…”


“You couldn’t get enough of me back then.”

“Still can’t…”

“Now’s your chance to catch up, then. Come here and let me snuggle against you. Shall we leave the light on? Oh, run your hand down my back again… That feels wonderful!”

“Would you like a proper back rub? I haven’t given you one of those in yonks.”

“Mmm… Please! You could even give me an improper one if you like…”

“Okay, roll over on your front and pull up your nightie… Oh, I love the look of your naked ass.”

“You know I don’t like that word.”

“Sorry… naked arse?”

“Even warse!”

“Naked buns?”

“Better. Now kneel over them and rub my neck and shoulders, would you? Hold on… I’ll take my nightie right off. There, that’s better.”

“Much… How’s that?”

“Mmm… Heaven! Ahh!… You make the tensions of the day just melt away… Remember that Sunday morning, back when? You looked up from between my legs, your face glistening with my juices and a few curly wisps of my pussy hair in your mouth. That image still makes me wet whenever I think about it.”

“You smiled down at me, your face framed between your beautiful breasts, topped with nipples that looked like two maraschino cherries… or maybe two little searchlights, scanning the ceiling.”

“Now they just flop sideways.”

“But they’re just as beautiful…”

“Now I remember why I love you!”

“Then I wriggled up to kiss you…”

“…and I tasted my own pussy juice on your lips and tongue. That was so erotic! And your penis just slipped straight into my vagina; I was so ready for you! I don’t think you’d ever entered me quite as easily as you did that day.”

“You were still open from the last time we’d fucked… er… made love, the night before.”

“And you were rigid! Harder than any other man I’d ever known.”

“Oh, god! You know what that does to me!”

“S’why I said it.”

“Go on, then.”

“Well, there was this one guy…”

“Fact or fantasy?”

“You tell me… But he gave good back-rubs, too.”

“As good as mine?”

“He had this thing he did… He’d kneel where you’re kneeling and then lean forward along my back and gently bite the back of my neck.”

“Like this?”

“Mmm… And then I’d feel his penis nestling between the cheeks of my ass…”

“Thought you didn’t like that word.”

“Just shut up and bite me again!”

“Tell me about it?”

“He wasn’t circumcised like you are, so he had this amazing wrinkled foreskin that completely covered the head of his penis except when he was really hard. Then the head would come peeking out – as if it wanted to see what was going on in the outside world – and I’d lick it and push my tongue into his little hole. He loved it when I did that.”

“I can see why he might.”

“After he’d rubbed my back for a while, he’d reach around me, slide his hands under my breasts and pinch my nipples.”

“Like this?”

“That’s right! Just like that!”

“Then what?”

“This gets pretty intimate, you know. What you’re asking…”

“Go on; you can tell me.”

“Well, he leant back and separated my buns with his hands. Yes! Like that! I felt so damn exposed, with my asshole in full view! I just couldn’t stop it puckering under his gaze – you know, contracting, the way assholes do?”

“Mmm… Did you want him to touch you there?”

“I really don’t know. My body and brain had just turned to jelly. I just lay there feeling his eyes glued to my most private place, while my vagina simply oozed. I could feel my juices running down around my clit, soaking my pussy hair and dripping onto the sheet…

“And you know, I wouldn’t scream right now if you were to run your hand Ordu Escort down between my buns…”

“You wouldn’t want to wake the children…”

“Mmm… Yes, go all the way to the front. That’s heaven!”

“I love the feel of your slippery cunt… Don’t tell me! You don’t like that word.”

“Love the feeling, though… Don’t stop! Rub my clit?”

“Did he do that for you?”

“Oh, he was absolutely brilliant at it. He knew just where to rub it – you know, along the sides as it swells, and then between the inner lips of my pussy, all the way back and into my vagina. And he seemed to know just how hard to rub me, and how fast.”

“You must have been panting for him by this time – longing to feel his hard, uncut penis inside you.”

“I was! I was wet and open and ready and wanted him to put me on my knees and just fuck my brains out.”

“You mean, in the doggie pos… Oh, shit! Is that your damn cell phone?”

“You know I don’t like that word.”

“Then don’t answer it!”

“Pass it here so I can see who it is. Oh, shit! It’s Mom. She’ll panic if I don’t pick up, and you know where that leads!”

‘Hello, Mom?’


‘Calm down, Mom; try to stop crying and tell me what’s happened. No, you’re not disturbing us.’




‘Oh, no! Really?… Ppfft! No, Mom… I wasn’t laughing, I promise. I can tell you’re upset.’


“What is it this time?”

“Dad says he’s going to leave her and run away with a Rumanian gymnast.”

“Does he know any?”

“It’s some girl he’s seen on TV, for god’s sake! He’s been watching too much Olympics.”

‘No, Mom. I’m still here. Look, you know he just says these things to run you up. How long have you two been married? Fifty-eight years, isn’t it? He’s not going to leave you and shack up with a Rumanian gymnast, I promise. Anyway, when was the last time he ran anywhere?’


‘No, I am taking you seriously! It’s just the sex, Mom. He sees these under-dressed, under-age teeny boppers doing the splits on TV, and it makes his sap rise.’


‘His sap, you know… Well, maybe you don’t… Never mind. He’ll forget all about it once football season starts…’


‘I’ll ask Bill.”

“Honey, when does the pre-season begin?”

“In three weeks, two days, and twenty-two – No, twenty-one – hours.”

‘Bill says you’ve only got another three weeks to wait. Then Dad’ll forget all about Rumanian gymnasts, and you won’t get another coherent word out of him until after the Super Bowl.”


‘Yes, he’s just the same. Look, would you like him to have a word with Dad?’

“Did you have to do that? He’s your father, for god’s sake!

‘Hi, Fred! How’s it going?’


‘I know! I watched her too. Isn’t she something? Did you see her floor exercise?’


‘And when she lay on her back and spread her legs in the air?’


‘They probably use glue. I bet they have to shave themselves there… if there’s anything to shave, that is. Wouldn’t you just love to see a wardrobe malfunction in that position?’


‘I think they said she’s thirteen.’


‘No, it’s illegal, even in Rumania. Anyway, you don’t speak Rumanian, do you?’


‘You’re right, I suppose. That language is pretty much universal.’


‘They keep them in training camps, you know. Fewer distractions.’


‘No, I don’t think so. She’s a valuable property of the State. They’re not going to let her out of their sight.’


‘I guess she could always apply for political asylum. I know someone in the State Department who could advise you.’

“What are you doing?”

“Shhh… It’s called ‘inhabiting his fantasy’; it’s standard psychotherapy for people with delusions.”

“Oh, really?”


‘No, it’s a long process… several months, at least.’


‘Oh, well into the season. Be lucky if it came through before the play-offs.’


‘Don’t say that! You’ll outlive us all! Anyway, what do you think of the American girl? Closer to home, you know. She’s from Indiana. You and Ma could take a road trip…’


‘No, I know. But at least you both speak the same language.’


‘A threesome? Well, if you think Ma would go for it…’

“You’re Ordu Escort Bayan not helping the situation, you know!”



‘Really? Where did you hear that?’


‘No, I’m not doubting your gaydar. If you say she’s a Lesbian, she’s a Lesbian! Makes sense – all those half-naked girls training together every day. Just imagine what it must be like in the locker-room!’


‘DIY? Oh! I see what you mean. Er… Yes, I guess you’ll just have to.”


‘Umm… Well, yes, sometimes… Doesn’t everybody? Look, why don’t I let you talk to Kate?’

“Here, you take him. I will not engage in this sort of conversation with your father!”

‘Hey, Dad? You know you’ve got Mom’s knickers in a bit of a twist, don’t you?’


‘You old rogue!’


‘Well, calm her down; tell her you were only joking or something. And tell her you love her, every once in a while, okay? We girls like that sort of stuff.’


‘No, not me – her! I’ll let you go so you can start rebuilding your bridges.’


‘Love you, too. Both of you; tell Mom goodbye, okay? Bye!’

“Now, where were we, honey? … Honey?”


Monday evening

“How was your day?”

“Good; Sally and I went shopping.”

“And how is the delectable Sal?”

“Actually, I think she’s a bit lonely, you know.”

“No boyfriend right now? … Or girlfriend?”

“Did you just leer? I don’t believe it! You did! That was a leer!”

“No, it was not; not meant to be, anyway. As far as I’m concerned, your best friend’s sexual preferences are entirely up to her, okay?”

“If you say so. But then why is your tongue hanging out?”

“Let’s just change the subject, shall we? Do you want to hear about my day?”

“How was it?”

“Awful! The Chairman has asked me to take over teaching Chloé’s course for the rest of the semester. You know Chloé…”

“Chloé Winter? Yes, I like her. She’s the only one of your colleagues who doesn’t treat me as if I were a complete moron. Isn’t she about to have a baby?”

“Precisely, and she’s just starting three months’ maternity leave, the bi… I mean, ‘the thoroughly delightful and deserving modern professional young woman’, who wants to have it both ways and let other poor sods like me pick up after her!”

“Don’t be mean, now. You know you like her, and she’d do the same for you.”

“If I went on maternity leave, you mean? Say… Why don’t you lie on top next time? That way, maybe I’ll get pregnant!”

“Who taught your course when you took your sabbatical last year?”

“Umm… Okay. Point taken, I’ll stop whining. But the first lecture is on Thursday! It’s on ‘The Role of Myth and Symbolism in Post-Modern Africa’ or some such crap!”

“Do you know anything about that?”

“Bugger all, but I will by Thursday. Actually, I feel rather sorry for Chloé. Her husband’s a real jerk, and he’s screwing the new Departmental secretary.”

“You know I don’t like that word.”

“Sorry… ‘Administrative Assistant’?”

“Better. Anyway, I already knew that.”

“You did? How?”

“She told me all about it last June, at the annual end-of-the-school-year party. She even asked for my advice, poor girl!”

“He told me all about it when we played tennis together in the summer.”

“In detail?”

“Excruciating! He was so damn full of himself, it was sickening! He didn’t want any advice!”

“Want to compare notes? You tell me his version and I’ll tell you hers.”

“Ha! Let’s see if I can remember what he said… Of course, you know she’d had the hots for him from the moment she laid eyes on him…”

“Actually, she hadn’t noticed him until the day he cornered her behind the filing cabinet.”

“… and she was panting for it.”

“She was trying to decide whether screaming would cost her the job.”

“But then they were interrupted, unfortunately.”

“But then they were interrupted, thank goodness!”

“After that first kiss, she was desperate to get more of him.”

“She put him off as long as she could, but she was afraid he’d get her fired.”

“Eventually, she talked him into a date.”

“Eventually, she agreed to a date so she could ask him politely to stop pestering her.”

“They met at this really classy, discreet restaurant where nobody knew them.”

“They went to this dive where it was so dark you couldn’t even see what you were eating.”

“During dinner, she really hit the sauce.”

“She Escort Ordu doesn’t drink much, but he insisted that she try every new wine he ordered. So, by the end of the evening, the room was spinning around.”

“It would have been irresponsible of him to let her drive home in that condition.”

“She couldn’t have driven out of the parking lot, let alone found her way home.”

“Luckily, he knew of a nearby motel that he’d used to help out other girls who’d gotten themselves too drunk to drive.”

“He took her to this sleazy motel, where the bastard had already booked a room.”

“The moment the door was closed behind them, she began to rip off his clothes.”

“She was drunk, really liked her job, and hadn’t been laid in months. She decided that going with the flow would likely be her least bad option. And if he was this keen, maybe the sex would be its own reward.”

“He’s a grow-er, not a show-er; but once it’s up, he’s hung like a stallion! (I’ve seen him in the showers, and at least one part of that statement is true.)”

“He’s got this little limp dick and the smallest pair of balls she’d ever seen! Like sugar-coated almonds, they are!”

“She was frantic to give him head…”

“It was the only way she could get him anywhere near stiff, but – god! – it was hard work!”

“She just couldn’t wait!”

“He just didn’t wait! He came all over her before he could even get it in.”

“So he sprayed her tits with it! And she loved it!”

“And then he was done: straight from PE to ED without passing ‘Go!’ And then he fell asleep. She wiped herself off, sobered up, and drove herself home in the early hours.”


“We’re so lucky, honey; you ‘n’ me.”

“How so?”

“Having each oth… You bastard!”

“Love you, too, honey. Sleep well.”


Tuesday evening



“That story you were telling me on Sunday night…”

“Right before Mom called, you mean?”

“Yep, that one. Was that fact, or fantasy?”

“Bothering you, is it?”

“Do you want an honest, intimate answer, or shall I just joke it off?”

“Umm… Try honest and intimate.”

“Right. Hold onto your hat, then. Maybe I’m kinky. I probably am, but what the hell? You asked for it, so here’s the thing:

“The single most erotic experience in my entire sexual universe is you telling me about making love with another partner. It just ties me in knots and leaves me absolutely breathless! Every fucking time!”

“You are kinky. And… No, I won’t!”

“I don’t want you to; that’s the crazy thing! I don’t understand myself! Why is hearing about it such a turn-on for me?”

“Oh, come on! It’s not rocket science, you know!”

“I suppose you understand it, do you?”

“Of course I do. There may be other bits of you that I don’t understand – like what the hell you see in football, for example – but I sorted out that bit of your twisted psyche before we got married.”

“So, tell me.”

“It’s the intimacy of it. When I tell you about my past lovers, I’m telling your subconscious that I love and trust you enough to share even the most intimate details of my life with you – things I’d never dream of telling anyone else.”

“You know, I think you may be right! You’re not just a pretty face…”

“No, I’ve got other pretty bits, too. Now, where had we gotten to on Sunday?”

“Before we slipped into the parallel universe full of Rumanian gymnasts?”

“Oh, poor Dad! Growing old can’t be much fun.”

“It’s better than the alternative.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

“No, but there is a lesson in there somewhere.”

“Which is?”

“Carpe penis!”

“You jerk! Why do you always make me laugh? Take off your PJ’s and come here!”

“Mom, Dad… Are you guys still awake?”

“Oh! What is it, sweetheart?”

“Rover’s pooped on the kitchen floor.”

“Oh shit!”

“I was just getting myself a glass of milk, and that’s what I said, Dad.”

“Well, you shouldn’t of, young lady! Watch your language.”

“‘Shouldn’t have’, Dad; watch yours.”

“That’s what I said; and don’t you be uppity!”

“You forgot to take him out again, didn’t you, honey?”

“Umm… Guess I did.”

“Just how many times must I remind you?”

“Rhetorical question time, is it, honey? Never mind, I’ll clear it up. Back to bed now, sweetheart, and thanks for letting us know.”

“Dad? Why don’t you have any clothes on? You guys weren’t doing it, were you? You were! You were doing it! That’s gross!”

“Chance’d be a fine thing! Anyway, where d’you think you came from, eh?”

“But that was thirteen – no, fourteen – years ago! You should have grown out of it by now! And I don’t need another sister, okay? One is more than enough. God! You do realize it might be a brother? You must promise me you’ll put it down at birth if it is!”

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