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Graham is in my bed. I can’t believe he is here. I’ve never had another man in my bed let alone one I like. I can’t believe I had the courage to invite him to sleep with me. I can feel his warm body only inches away and his breath on my back. I want him to touch me, but I don’t have the guts to make the first move. Instead, I ask him the question I’ve wanted to ask him since I found out that he is gay.
“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”
I feel his body shift behind me.
He answers quickly. “Yes.”
I hesitate and continue my questions.
“Is he still your boyfriend?”
I hold my breath. The answer to this question will determine my future with Graham.
“No. We broke up over the summer.”
Relief rushes through my body.
“We didn’t want to have a long distance relationship. Jeremy is going to school in Arizona.”
“His name is Jeremy?”
“How long were you together?”
“Almost a year.”
I’m suddenly jealous. This boy, Jeremy, had the privilege of being Graham’s boyfriend for almost an entire year. Did Graham love Jeremy? Did he still want to be with him? Why did they go to separate colleges? As I’m dealing with all of this new information, he asks me a question that leaves me paralyzed.
“Have you ever had a boyfriend, Griffin?”
I sense that he notices the sudden change in my body and I know he instantly regrets asking this very personal question. He quickly backtracks.
“Sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”
How do I respond? Do I tell him the truth? I lie.
“It’s okay. No, I’ve never had a boyfriend.”
As soon as the lie escapes my mouth, I instantly regret it. When I left for college, I made a promise to myself that I would be honest about my sexuality, but when suddenly confronted with the opportunity to reveal the truth, I chicken out. It would be so easy to tell Graham the truth, but I’m scared. I’ve never told anyone about Ryan and my experience with him the summer before my junior year in high school. I’m not even sure Ryan was a şişli escort true boyfriend. Everything we did was in secret and had only lasted 6 weeks. As I’m contemplating how to tell Graham the truth without looking like a complete idiot, he asks another question that gives me the opportunity to redeem myself.
“Do you want a boyfriend?”
I take a deep breath and roll over until I’m face to face with Griffin. His eyes are closed. His eyelashes are long and curl up. I want to lean into him and kiss each eyelid. His eyes open. He has a look of both regret and longing. I want to put him out of his misery, but first I need to know why he would ask me this question.
“Why would you ask me that, Graham?”
I wait in anticipation.
“I want to be your boyfriend, Griffin.”
I can tell that he wants to run from my bed, but before he can I put my hand on the back of his neck, pull his face to mine and press my lips to his.
Oh, God. Griffin is kissing me. His lips are warm and soft. They fit perfectly over mine. The pressure is a perfect combination of gentle and hard. I don’t know what to do. How do I react to this unexpected development? It takes me a second to respond, but without thinking too much, I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him into me. He groans and I can feel his penis grinding into my stomach. His kisses become more intense. He bites my lower lip and runs his tongue over my upper lip simultaneously. I run my hands up and down his back until my right hand reaches under his boxers and I caress his butt in a circular motion. Suddenly, without warning, he pulls away from me and rolls onto his back. Shit. I went too far. I pull the duvet off me and begin to get out of bed. Before my legs hit the floor, Griffin grabs my arm.
“Please. Don’t go.” He turns to me and pulls me back into his bed. We are now facing each other and his left hand is running up and down my right arm.
“Griffin. I’m so…” He interrupts me before I can apologize for taking things too far.
“I lied to you,” he confesses. I let him continue.
“I’ve taksim escort had a boyfriend. His name is Ryan. I met him at a creative writing class I took the summer before my junior year. It didn’t last long. I’m sorry I lied. I was scared.”
His hair is hanging in his eyes and I bring my left hand up and push the blonde strands out of his face. His forehead is heavy with perspiration. I move my hand down to his cheek, cupping it gently. With my fingertips, I begin to massage the right side of his face slowly and lovingly.
“Why are you scared, Griffin?”
He leans into my hand. His hand comes to rest on my upper arm.
“I’m not brave like you, Graham. I’m not out to anyone. The only people who know I’m gay are you and Ryan. I can’t tell my parents. They’ll hate me.” He pauses and I continue my exploration of his body with my fingertips moving down to his shoulder and chest. He shivers under my touch.
“I made a promise to myself that when I came to college that I would be honest about who I am. If I can’t tell you the truth, how can I be honest with anyone else?”
Without really thinking, I haul him up and into my lap. He is facing away from me and I wrap my arms his waist and nuzzle my face into his neck. He leans back into me and places his hands over mine.
I whisper in his ear, “You did tell me the truth. You are brave.”
His body begins to shake and I know that he is crying. My arms tighten around his waist and begin to place small light kisses across his back and shoulder blades. I continue doing this until his shakes stop. He is suddenly very still.
“Oh, crap, Graham, I’m such a cry baby.”
My lips are pressed into his back, but I can’t help giggling into him.
“Are you laughing at me?” Griffin struggles to break free.
I pull him even closer to me.
“No, Griffin, stop! I was just thinking back to my sophomore year when I came out. A day didn’t go by when I didn’t dissolve into tears at least five times a day. You are a Spartan compared to me.”
He eases back into me. My right hand begins nişantaşı escort to move softly up and down his firm stomach.
“Was it really hard for you?” He asks me softly. His hand follows my movement up and down.
“Yes, but I got through it. My parents helped me a lot.”
“When did you know?”
I sigh. My lips press lightly into his neck. My hand rests on his stomach. His hand remains on my mine.
“I’ve known I was gay since I was in the 5th grade. I remember this because it’s when most of the boys in my class started talking about girls. How cute they were, how they wanted to kiss them. I liked girls as friends, but I didn’t want to kiss them. My best friend in 5th grade was Ethan. He was the tallest boy in class and a great soccer player. When the boys in my class talked about kissing girls, I thought about kissing Ethan.”
“Did you kiss him?”
I laugh softly rubbing my nose into the nape of his neck.
“No. I didn’t have the courage. He moved away after 5th grade and I never saw him again.”
“When did you first kiss a guy?” Griffin begins moving his hand up and down my arm.
“Jeremy was my first kiss.”
Griffin is silent.
“Griffin, are you okay?”
“Do you love Jeremy? Are you sad that you broke up?”
“Yes, I love Jeremy. He was my first boyfriend. I was sad when we broke up.”
As the words roll out my mouth, I know instantly that I’ve made a mistake.
Griffin wiggles out of my arms and rolls off of my lap. He is now facing away from me.
Oh, shit! What have I done? He pours his heart out to me and I ruin the entire moment by confessing something that is not appropriate for this time and place.
“Griffin,” I begin, but he interrupts me before I can explain what I meant.
“I need to go to bed, Graham. I have an early class.” The tone of his voice is a mixture of sadness, anger and regret.
“But, Griffin, I need to explain, I…” He interrupts me again.
“Please. I need sleep. We can talk in the morning.”
I want to pull him back into my arms and make him listen, but I know that I’ve hurt him too much. He needs time for all of this to sink in and be okay with what we’ve done and what I’ve told him.
“Do you want me to go to my own bed?” I ask him quietly.
Griffin hesitates for a second.
“I think that would be for the best.”
My heart sinks. I’ve ruined everything.
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