A Death, Baked Bob, and the… Ch. 03

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A Death, Baked Bob, and the Personal Ad

(F/F, oral, anal, exhibitionism, jewelry, drugs, tattoos, piercings, food, bad accents)

DISCLAIMER – This is a fictional story to be read and enjoyed. If you can’t read, stop reading. If you can’t enjoy, stop reading. If you don’t like any of the story codes mentioned above, stop reading. If you can’t stop, it’s not my problem.

Part 3 – The Worst First Date In Recorded History

I drove slowly to the coffee shop, hoping to minimize the amount of time I had to spend babysitting Bob’s cousin. The place was two old storefronts converted into a caffeine junkie’s paradise. The first part where you walked in was a service area with a counter taking up a whole wall. A large doorway in the opposite wall led into the other storefront, which was filled with tables, chairs and the occasional couch. The front of the room was a giant window that looked out onto the street.

Bob’s cousin was sitting at a table in front of the window. I took one look at this girl and couldn’t believe my eyes. Two words shot to the forefront of my mind – pure beauty. She had a face that looked sweet and innocent, like one of the princesses in a Disney film. Bob said she was twenty-four, but her face looked sixteen and it would be some years before it looked any older. Her blonde hair was cut just below her jaw line, with bangs that made her locks frame her face. It was an obvious attempt to make her look older, and it barely worked.

I stood and watched her for a moment. Something about her seemed off – the way she looked around, checking out the wall art, then the waitresses passing by, then the other people around her. Her arms went from being on the table to her lap to hugging herself to back on the table. At first I thought she had ADD or something, but then it came to me – she was uncomfortable. Maybe she didn’t like waiting, or maybe she didn’t like being in crowded rooms with lots of people, or maybe she didn’t like sitting alone, or maybe she didn’t like waiting alone in a crowded room full of lots of people. In any case I was prolonging her agony by just standing there.

I took one step to approach her and then froze in my tracks. Andy’s phone call came back to me. Blonde girl. This girl was a blonde. Oh no. No, no, no. In one fluid motion I spun on my heel and was about to make for the door when –


Fuck. My first mistake was letting that stop me. My second was responding to her call by turning around. She smiled and waved. It wasn’t a wide smile, she didn’t even show any teeth, but there was something so sweet in it that I couldn’t bear to let her down by fleeing. Even though every fiber in my body was saying run, I smiled back and walked over to the table.

When I got there she stood and we shook hands. Jessica wore a necklace with a silver cross and her right nostril was pierced, a simple silver stud that winked whenever it hit the light. “It’s good to finally meet you,” she said.

She emphasized the word ‘finally’, making it sound like Bob had talked about me before today. Which was funny, because he had never mentioned his cousin before. I smiled back and to be polite said, “Same here.” We sat. When she spoke, I noticed Jessica’s tongue was pierced with a silver bar. The waitress came over. Jessica ordered an espresso and I asked for hazelnut decaf.

“So,” I said as the waitress walked off.

“So” Jessica replied as she smiled.

I hated these moments. Trying to cut off a prolonged uncomfortable silence, I said the first thing that came to my mind. “What do you for a living?”

Jessica gave me a confused look. “I thought you knew that already.”

Great, she thinks Bob talks about her all the time. I smiled and said, “I have a bad memory.”

“I’m a receptionist at a dentist’s office, but I’m going to night school for computer programming.” Jessica shrugged, “It’s not as cool as being in advertising like you are, but I was never that creative.”

I guess Bob hadn’t mentioned my recent career change. Hearing Jessica talk about my old job kind of hit me wrong, so I was silent. Jessica didn’t say anything and we had one of those uncomfortable moments I was dreading. It stretched into a full minute and finally I couldn’t take anymore.

“So what kind of music do you like?” I asked. Jessica got a concerned look. “What?” I said.

“You are Keisha Parker, right?”

I smiled and nodded sarcastically. “Uh, yeah.”

“Look,” she said, “no offense to your bad memory, but if I can remember that you like old funk because your Dad was a musician, I would think you could remember that I like punk and metal.”

This was worse than running into someone from high school whose name you can’t recall while they remember every class you had together. “I have to go to the bathroom,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

When I got into a stall I took out my stash and popped a pill. This is what I get for doing a favor for a friend, much less Baked Bob. The girl was driving me so crazy that I went ahead and popped another pill without even thinking about it. I sat on the toilet for a few minutes, waiting for things to kick in. Bob would owe uşak escort me big for tonight.

I walked to the mirror and felt the drug coming on strong as I fixed my hair. There was a fight with the bathroom door, which I put an end to when I stopped pushing and found the handle to pull it open. I collided with a woman coming around the corner and apologized about sixty-five times to her. The bathroom was in the back of the coffee shop, so it looked like a forty-mile walk to the table from where I stood. I just kept telling myself to take it slow and everything would be fine.

Fine went out the window in the first two steps when I kicked someone’s chair leg. As I apologized to them I bumped into a waitress and knocked the cups she was carrying off her tray. They smashed onto the floor and I tried to help her pick up the mess. She kept telling me it was okay and I realized I was trying to fit the pieces of the cup back together. I got up and started walking towards Jessica again, but stopped to tell a woman I liked her dress and engaged her in a conversation so I could find out where she got it. As soon as she mentioned the store name I walked off without finishing the conversation. Just before I got to the table I noticed someone’s dessert on a table. It was a piece of cake drizzled in chocolate sauce.

“Oh, that looks good,” I said as I reached over the person and used my finger to wipe up some sauce.

“Hey!” he yelled as I licked my finger.

“Mmmmm,” I said. “You’re going to love that.”

“Are you okay?” Jessica asked as I sat down.

“I’m…just…” My attention wandered for a moment as I felt something against my face. I realized it was my hand and put it back into my lap. “Look,” I said, “I’m trying my best to be…patient here. It’s just hard because…well…you’re being a bitch.”


“Yeah.” I felt my hand on my face again and took it away. “I mean…it’s hard enough…hard enough…” I lost my train of thought, found it again and said, “I’m here doing a favor for a friend, but all this attitude I’m getting is –”

Jessica cut me off. “Wait, what do you mean you’re doing a favor for a friend?” I stared at her. She continued, “Look, unless you’re the wrong person, we met on the Internet last week. You answered my personal ad. Hell, you sent me your picture, that’s how I recognized you. And now here you are acting like you never read any of my emails.”

A bell started ringing in my head. I leaned over to get close to Jessica’s face, resisted the urge to lay down on the table, and asked, “You’re not Baked Bob’s cousin, are you?”

Jessica threw her hands in the air. “Who the fuck is Baked Bob?!”

In that moment, as fucked up as I was, through the haze of what was left of my mind, came the words ‘MUST CASTRATE BOB’.

“That son of a bitch,” I said.

“Who?” Jessica asked.

I wasn’t paying attention to her anymore. Without saying another word I got up and walked to the door, managing to only bump into three customers and two waitresses. Outside I walked along the sidewalk, passing the window of the coffee shop with Jessica staring at me through it. I got a few more steps before I realized I was going in the wrong direction. I turned and headed to my car, passing the window again. Jessica was still staring at me.

When I got to my car I dug through my purse for what seemed like forever trying to find my keys. I couldn’t believe I kept so much shit in there. Finally I just turned it over and dumped it all on the ground. My junk spread all over the place and I got on my knees, sifting through it like some prospector looking for a gold nugget. I acted like I’d found one when I discovered my keys. Standing up, I started muttering “Never again,” referring to how I would never fill my purse with so much shit again. I was about to stick the keys in the door when a hand grabbed them from me.

“You can’t drive,” Jessica said.

“Yes I can! I found…my keys…so I can drive.”

“Look, I don’t want to know what you took when you went into the bathroom, but you can’t drive right now. I’ll drive you home and take a taxi from your place.”

“What about your car?”

“I don’t have one,” she said.

“Well, you can’t be a very good driver…if you don’t have a…a car.” I reached out and tried to get the keys from her, but Jessica yanked her hand back and stuck her finger in my face.

“Shut the fuck up and get in the god dammed car, now.”

Dejected, I picked up the stuff from my purse and walked around to the passenger side door muttering, “Snooty, bitchy Disney princess.”

I was silent for the first half of the ride, looking out the window at all the houses and apartment buildings and wondering what people were doing inside. I turned when Jessica asked, “Okay, now I’m curious. What the hell did you take when you went to the bathroom?”

“A little pill. Or two.”

Jessica looked at me with wide eyes, then sighed and shook her head. Silence descended on the car again, and suddenly I felt very disappointed in myself. I kept trying to think of something to say, wanting to change her opinion of me. When uşak escort bayan I looked at Jessica something hit me and I perked up.

“I just…figured out something. About you.”

Her face had an annoyed look. “What wonderful bit of wisdom is that?”

“When we were, where…at the coffee shop! There was something, about your eyes, that didn’t fit with your face. Don’t worry…it’s not a physical…wait…flaw. They’re dull blue, right?” Jessica didn’t answer so I continued. “It really works with your…hair and clear skin.” I reached out to touch her cheek, but Jessica batted away my hand.

“Stop it,” she said. I sat there quietly until Jessica asked, “So what’s your point?”

“It’s just that, I realized what…was bothering me. What I saw.” Suddenly my attention was drawn to a diner we were passing, and I could almost smell the disco fries (that’s French fries with melted cheese and gravy, for those of you poor souls not familiar with it).

“Hello? Planet Keisha?”

I looked at her. “It was…pain…in those eyes.” Jessica looked at me. “And it’s still there,” I said. “It’s the kind of pain that shows through, no matter how much you…” I thought and then shrugged, “…try to smile or look happy.”

Jessica was silent for a minute. Then she turned to me looking like she was going to say something, thought better of it and looked back at the road. We traveled the rest of the way in silence, mostly because I passed out.

The next thing I knew we were walking down the sidewalk to my building. Actually, Jessica was walking. I was half-walking, half-being carried. When we got to the stairs I looked up and saw that Ronald and Tim were at their usual post. I groaned but said nothing, hoping we could just pass them without incident. No such luck.

“Awwww,” Tim started, “what’s wrong with my favorite girl?”

“She’s had a little too much to drink,” Jessica said as she dragged me up the stairs. “Think one of you guys could be chivalrous and get the door for me?”

Ronald snorted. “We don’t assist niggers or nigger-lovers.”

Jessica stopped. All of a sudden I felt something hit my side, and it took me a moment to realize she had dropped me to the ground. By the time I looked up Jessica was standing right in Ronald’s face. “What did you call her?” she asked.

“Jessica,” a croaked voice said. I realized it was mine. “Don’t,” I said, but no one looked over or acknowledged that I spoke.

Tim smiled. “You her new bitch?” he asked. The smile dropped when Tim realized she wasn’t even acknowledging him.

Jessica was staring intently at Ronald. She asked the question slowly this time. “What did you call her?”

Ronald smiled. “Since you’re deaf, I’ll repeat it slowly. Ni-guh-er.”

What happened next is one of those moments that stay with you forever.

Jessica’s hand moved so fast that it took me a moment to realize something just happened. Ronald might not have noticed either, except for the fact that his head snapped back and there was blood pouring from his nose. The surprise in that moment seemed to hang in the air as time slowed down. Everyone just stood there frozen as our minds tried to digest the shock of what just happened. Everyone with the exception of Jessica, who let out a yell as she struck again, and this time Ronald grasped at his throat. Then her hands were against his chest and she used all of her body weight to push him over the railing. He fell into the bushes and disappeared.

Tim stood there with his mouth open. Jessica had just dispatched with his friend in three very quick moves. Tim reached out and grabbed Jessica’s hand, but I had no idea what he was trying to do. I don’t think Tim had any idea either.

“Hang on, I’ll help.” I said as I started to get up. My brain spun in my head, and I fell back down again.

Jessica’s foot quickly moved up and then downward, striking Tim in the knee. He cried out in pain as he let go of her hand and grabbed at his injured body part. Jessica’s leg shot outward and kicked Tim’s side, sending him tumbling down the stairs. I had managed to get to my knees by then. Suddenly I felt hands around my waist as Jessica helped me to my feet. She put my arm over her shoulders and resumed helping me walk.

“We showed them,” I muttered.

Once we got into the apartment Jessica said, “Huh. Nice place. Not what I expected from an addict.” On the way to the bedroom we passed a table with a picture of Monica and I hugging. I stopped, picked up the picture and kissed Monica. “You have a girlfriend?” she asked as I put the picture back down.

“Yeah,” I said. “But don’t worry, she’s dead.” I wasn’t looking at Jessica’s face, so I don’t know how she reacted to that.

In the bedroom Jessica turned on the bedside light. She lowered me onto the bed, took off my boots and pulled the covers over me. Looking down at me she said, “Well, I can’t say it was a boring date. You managed to embarrass both of us in a public place, I had to drive you home because you’re addicted to drugs, you passed out on me, I had to carry you to your apartment, and then there was a fight with Nazi escort uşak skinheads. Did I forget anything? Oh yes, the fact that this whole thing was a sham to start with because of someone named ‘Baked Bob’.”

“That son of a bitch,” I moaned.

Jessica sighed, shook her head and said, “You did manage to prove that all my friends who warned me about online dating were right. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to go home, take down my ad, and get ready for three months of ‘I told you so’s’.”

Jessica turned to leave, but in a burst of energy I reached out and grabbed her hand. “Don’t go!”

She turned. “Honey, the last thing this date needs is extra innings.”

“I’m scared. I took two pills…and I’ve never taken two pills before and what if…what if…they kill me?”

“Then you’re shit out of luck, because I’m not a paramedic.”

Jessica’s tone was harsh, but I could see her eyes soften. She stared at me for a minute. Finally she shook her head and took off her coat. “God, I’m a fucking idiot.”

She walked around to the other side of the bed and took off her boots. Then she kneeled on the floor facing the bed, made the sign of the cross and propped her elbows on the mattress with her eyes closed. I stared at her until I worked up the courage to ask, “Are you praying?”

One eye opened. “Yes. Do you have a problem with it?”

I shook my head. “Just haven’t seen that in a while, that’s all.”

Her eye closed and she went back to praying. I stared at the ceiling and tried not to pass out. It seemed like quite a while. Suddenly Jessica said out loud, “And God, please do not let Keisha die during the night. Also, now that I think about it, please do not let her wake up, grab a knife and stab me to death. Amen.”

Jessica climbed into the bed next to me. “You don’t snore, do you?”


“Good.” She turned on her side facing away from me. “Wake me up if you’re going to die.”

I lay there for a full minute, on my back, with the covers pulled up to my neck. The room was moving like an old television set that lost its vertical hold. I closed my eyes. Even the black was moving.

“Are you going to turn off that light?” Jessica asked.

In a hoarse voice I said, “I’m afraid I’ll fall.”

Jessica groaned, turned around and reached over me to turn off the light. Her neck was right near my nose and suddenly I smelled something very familiar.

It was Monica’s perfume.

Jessica shut off the light and went back to her side. I opened my eyes and remembered what Monica had taught me about meditation. Taking in a slow, deep breath while counting to ten, letting it out while counting to ten. I felt a little more in control. Another deep breath and the tension eased.

“Jessica,” I said.

“Call me Jess. What?”

I paused. “Thank you.”

Just before I fell asleep I heard, “Yeah.”

At some point I woke up. Nothing was spinning anymore. Pre-dawn light streamed through the blinds that I normally close before going to sleep, allowing me to see in the room. The bedside clock said it was quarter to six in the morning.

I looked over and saw Jess next to me. She was lying on her back and she looked like an angel. Her face was as smooth as a porcelain doll. I lay there for a while and watched Jess sleep, her chest slowly moving up and down, her nostrils flaring slightly with each breath. I leaned over to get a scent of her perfume, the same one Monica used to wear. Jess’ full lips were pink and looked so soft. I leaned down, just to give a slight kiss to them, and became intoxicated by their feel. They were everything they looked to be. I didn’t want to separate my mouth from them, so I went in for more.

I leaned against her a little, and that must have woken her up. Jess’ eyes popped open and I felt her hands on me. Her reaction was instant as she flipped us over and held my hands down, using her pelvis to pin mine down to the bed. Jess’ breathing was steady but audible. There was a wild, feral look in her eyes.

I was ready for anything. If she yelled or called me names, if she slapped me or punched me in the nose, if she got up and stormed out. I even found myself wishing she would kill me. Deep down I knew my life had turned to shit, and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to turn it around. I wanted her to do something, anything. Whatever it was I was ready to take it, because in so many ways I felt like I deserved it.

I was ready for anything. Except what happened next.

Jess leaned down and kissed me. She missed my mouth a little, adding to the feeling that she was unsure about the kiss. At first I didn’t respond, genuinely surprised at her action, but then I adjusted so our mouths met properly and sent my tongue after hers. A slight panic came over me when I felt something hard, but then I remembered her tongue stud. It was strange working around a piece of metal in someone else’s mouth. Jess still held my hands down, so I lifted my head towards hers. A noise came from her, a moan or a sigh, and then she let my hands go and brought hers to the sides of my face. I put my arms around her body and pulled it tight to mine, then rolled us so I was on top. Our kissing became more primal, driven by a need to be inside one another. It almost felt like we were two people finally quenching a long-denied lust, which seems ridiculous since we’d only met the night before. My hands slid under her top and I caressed her sides.

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